


Empty

by SharmaWild



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-30
Updated: 2014-08-30
Packaged: 2018-02-15 10:04:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2224950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SharmaWild/pseuds/SharmaWild
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan contemplates the aftermath of his encounter with Shepard on Horizon. Set after Priority: Citadel II and Kaidan's return to the Normandy (ME3). I wanted to do my own take on the scene on Horizon and its aftermath, to try to capture the emotions I thought was missing in the game. Femshep/Garrus implied. SPOILER WARNING! Please read & review.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Empty

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING! CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR MASS EFFECT 2!
> 
> I always find it's hard to choose between Kaidan and Garrus. Loyal Garrus with the cool attitude, a total badass, who always got your back. Or Kaidan, squeaky clean military man with superb self-control... But with the annoying habit of dating doctors and then accusing poor Shepard of cheating on him. Where was the "We where on a break!" conversation option during that little chat, eh, Bioware?
> 
> In this story I've tried to do my own take on the scene on Horizon and its aftermath. Don't know if I've succeeded in capturing the emotions I thought was missing in the game, but I do think I deserve some points for trying.
> 
> Bioware owns it all... the lucky bastards...

The observation deck was blissfully empty after the hustle and bustle of the Citadel. The lighting was low and soft. It was a place for talking in a hushed tone of voice, for quiet contemplations, or for brooding.

Kaidan stared out into the empty blackness outside the window and wished that he could replace the turmoil in his mind and heart with some of that serene emptiness. The beginning of yet another migraine throbbed behind his eyes and he rested his forehead against the cool glass. He wished...

If wishes were cows you'd have a herd... His mother's old saying made him smile even now. She'd always had a whole bunch of them, ready to be used in any situation.

The attack on Earth had been devastating, shocking even to those who knew it was coming, who had fought hard to make the Alliance and Earth's government understand that the Reapers were returning from the darkness of deep space to harvest all organic life, like they had done 50 000 years ago. Now billions of people, both humans and aliens where forced to realise that what they had thought were myths and fairy tales were the single greatest threat of extinction. And they would all have to put aside their differences if they were going to have even a slim hope to survive the coming war. Already planets and entire systems were being lost to the Reapers. The Vular system, Earth, Palaven... and the list was rapidly growing longer.

Kaidan closed his eyes and prayed for numbness. With the galaxy falling to pieces around him he shouldn't be standing there with a broken heart. But he was.

During his time in the hospital, recovering from the injures he'd suffered on Mars, he had been approached by a drell who introduced himself as Thane Krios.

"I was recruited by Commander Shepard. I understand you served with her and Garrus Vakarian during the attack on the Citadel..." He had waited politely until Kaidan asked him to sit before he pulled up the chair next to the bed. "It is good to meet one of Shepard's crew", Thane had said in soft spoken husky voice with that purring quality that all drells had. "When I heard about the attack on Earth I tried to reach her, but understandably I couldn't get through."

"Yeah", Kaidan said. "The Reapers has taken out almost the entire communication system."

"Clever", Thane replied. "If you're enemies can't communicate they can't organise a counter-attack."

Kaidan's brows knotted. "You sound like you admire them."

"I do. They are perfect killers. But don't get me wrong, major, I want to see them defeated as much as you do. If I could I would join the war and fight them, but my condition requires constant medical treatment. I have Kepral's Syndrome", Thane explained before Kaidan could ask. "I am dying."

"I'm sorry..." Kaidan mumbled, a little taken aback by the drell's straightforwardness.

A smile played over the male's reptilian features. "Don't be. I've lived a good life with few regrets. I am content." He shifted a little on the chair. "I was content, I should say. When I heard of the Reapers attacking Earth my thoughts went to Shepard. Did she make it off planet?"

"Yeah. We headed from Earth straight to Mars and ran into a squad of solders sent there by Cerberus", Kaidan explained. "It was... unexpected. We all got away more or less intact though. I was the only one seriously injured."

"Then she is safe..." Thane seemed to let go of a breath he had been holding. He bowed his head, inky black eyes closing for a moment, full lips moving in a prayer of thanks. Then he looked up again. "And Garrus Vakarian is still with her?"

Kaidan frowned. "Garrus? No, after you all returned from the Omega 4 relay and Shepard surrendered to the Alliance, he returned to Palaven. I... I don't know if he is dead or alive, I'm sorry."

"Oh..." The drell was clearly disappointed. "After all they had been through I thought Garrus would remain by Shepard's side. He seemed so devoted to her."

The meaning of his words hadn't been lost on Kaidan. They had sent his mind reeling. Shepard and Garrus...? He could feel himself grow cold. Thane's voice fading into a buzz in the background. It took him a while to realise that the drell had stopped talking, that he was simply watching him with those large black eyes of his.

"Forgive me. I thought you knew."

"No, I..." Kaidan cleared his throat a little. To his embarrassment he could feel tears burning behind his eyelids. "It doesn't matter..."

The drell rose, every movement fluid, controlled. "I didn't mean to upset you, Major Alenko. You are tired. You should rest." While Thane politely said his goodbye and wished him a speedy recovery, Kaidan felt himself sinking deeper into the whirlpool of confusion and pain.

Shepard and Garrus... They had become friends during the hunt for Saren. Shepard usually brought the two of them with her on the missions. And if Kaidan at first had thought it strange that the Commander was so quick to trust the former C-sec officer, he had soon learnt that Garrus repaid that trust with a fierce loyalty. He had come to respect and like Garrus, not only because the turian was an excellent soldier and an expert shot, but for the kindness he showed those in need.

The three of them had soon shared an easy comradery that had strengthen them and carried them through even the blackest moments, such as Ashley William's death.

Kaidan was painfully aware of the fact that he had excluded himself from that friendship during their brief encounter on Horizon. But seeing Shepard again after having gone through the agony of mourning her, after the survivor's guilt and the nightmares. After having struggled so hard to rebuild some sort of existence for himself again... It had been too much. He had snapped. He was the first to admit that. But how could she have let him and the rest of the crew believe that she had died? And how could she be working for Cerberus? After everything they had done. Had she forgotten about the secret laboratories they had found?

Kaidan stared out into the empty dark of space, but in his mind he was back on Horizon...

Awe, relief, anger, fear... The emotions had raced like a wildfire through his body.

At first he just stood there, watching her, trying to wrap his mind around the fact that she was alive. Then, as the man, who's name he remembered being Delan, had been raging at the fact that the colony hadn't been saved, he started to move, drawn to her like a moth to the flame.

The man's voice was loud and angry in the sudden silence left by the collectors' ship. "They took half the colony! Egan and Sam... and Lilith! You have to do something!"

Shepard had stared after the disappearing ship before turning her attention to Delan. "I didn't want it to end this way. I'm sorry."

As Kaidan was walking towards the small group of people not yet noticed by them, Garrus placed a hand on the commander's shoulder, trying to comfort her. "You did all you could, Shepard."

The mechanic had frowned. "Shepard? Wait, I know that name. Yeah, I remember you. You're some kind of big Alliance hero."

"Commander Shepard", Kaidan said, approaching the group. The sound of his voice made them all turn towards him. But Kaidan had only eyes for one person. "Captain of the Normandy. The first human Spectre and the saviour of the Citadel." He glanced at the mechanic as he walked past him. "You are in the presence of a legend, Delan. And a ghost."

He had lost her. He had watched her get spaced. This... seeing her again, standing face to face with her again... Things like this never happened outside books or vids. It couldn't be real. And then she had spoken his name.

"Kaidan."

Horizon's vanilla sky arched above them, tinted with gold from the setting sun. Dry grass whispering underfoot as he took step after step towards her. A soft, sweet smelling breeze caressed them, cleared the air of the stench of singed plastic and flesh left by the fight with the collectors. Her hair was as dark as he remembered it, framing her face, a few strands was dancing around her cheeks. Scars criss-crossed the pale flesh but her eyes... Oh, her eyes were as deep as they always had been, like sacred pools, the colour of a summer's night sky, filled with a turmoil of emotions, too many for him to even begin to decipher them.

"Hey, Shepard."

Then she had been in his arms, clinging to him as he clung to her. He had closed his eyes, breathing in that light floral scent that he thought he had lost forever. For that one perfect moment he had believed. He had thanked God. He had felt whole again.

Then reality had rushed in on him. And he had taken a step back, breaking the embrace. "I thought you were dead, Shepard. We all did."

She had been taken aback by the harsh tone of his voice. "I'm so sorry, Kaidan... I didn't know..."

Anger had risen within him. "Is that all you have to say? You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened? I thought we had something, Shepard, something real. I... I loved you. Thinking you were dead tore me apart! How could you put me through that?" His words hurt her. He could see the light in her eyes fade and die, the small smile that had played on her lips disappear. And still he couldn't stop himself. Couldn't take back the words that spilled forth. "Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?"

"I couldn't." Her eyes were searching his, her hand reaching for him when he turned away. "They've done I don't know how many operations on me and... And when I woke up they told me it had been two years. Admiral Anderson said you had moved on with your life. " Her hand dropped from his arm, her gaze leaving his.

"I had", he said. Then his voice softened a little. "At least I thought I had." He sighed, studying her downcast face, noticing once again the scars that marred her cheeks, wondering what had been done to her. "When we started hearing rumours about you having been seen on Omega I couldn't believe it. Then came the reports that you had joined Cerberus."

"It wasn't my choice!" Shepard replied, the tone of her voice hardening as she continued. "I spent the last two years in some kind of a coma while they rebuilt me." She took a breath, trying to rein in her emotions. "Kaidan, human colonies are being abducted by the collectors all over the galaxy. Cerberus wants to stop them. That's why they brought me back. "

Kaidan's voice was flat when he replied: "So it's true then. You're working for them now. I can't believe it..."

She grabbed his arm when he turned away from her. "I'm not working for Cerberus! I'm using their resources to try and stop the collectors!"

"Alliance intel thought that Cerberus might be behind the missing colonies. They got a tip this colony might be the next one to get hit, and that you and Cerberus might be involved."

"Building the defence towers was just a cover story", Shepard said slowly, her eyes meeting his again. "The Alliance sent you here to investigate me, didn't they?"

"I was here for Cerberus. You were just a rumour", Kaidan replied. "I... I never expected anything like this. "

"Kaidan." There was a pleading tone in her voice and once again her hand rested on his arm. It was as if he could feel it through the armour, as if her touch singed his naked skin. "Cerberus is the only group willing to do something to save the colonies."

"You can't really believe that!" He took another step back, jerking his arm free of her light grip. "We both know what they are like! What they are capable of!"

"Dammit, Kaidan! You are so focused on Cerberus that you are missing the real threat", Garrus interrupted unable to keep his peace any longer. He and Mordin Solus had been keeping back, giving the couple at least a sense of privacy, but now he came up to stand next to Shepard. His dual toned voice revealed his anger as he continued. "The collectors are targeting human colonies and they are working with the Reapers! The Alliance should help us, not make it harder for us to stop them!"

Kaidan raised his gaze from the commander, looking for the first time at the former C-sec officer. He frowned taking in the turian's scarred face. "I can't believe you are working for Cerberus, Garrus. You of all people-"

"I'm not working for Cerberus", the turian interrupted him. "I'm working for Shepard."

Confused, hurt, Kaidan shook his head, his eyes drawn back to the commander. "I wanted to believe the rumours that you were alive, but I never expected anything like this. You've turned your back on everything we believed in! You've betrayed the Alliance! You've betrayed me!"

Anger flashed in her expressive eyes, knotted her eyebrows. "I'm not a traitor! Kaidan, you know me! You know I'd only do this for the right reason! Garrus is right, you are letting how you feel about Cerberus' history get in the way of the facts."

"Maybe", Kaidan replied. "Or maybe you feel like you owe them because they saved you. Maybe you're the one not thinking straight!"

Her voice was numb when she replied. "So you won't listen to reason?"

Kaidan snorted bitterly. "You show up after two years and tell me you're with Cerberus. Where does reason figures into any of this? You've changed, Shepard. But I still know where my loyalty lie. I'm an Alliance soldier. Always will be." With that he had turned his back to her and started to walk away. "I've got to report back to the Alliance. They can decide if they believe your story or not."

"Kaidan!" Shepard followed him with hurried steps until she caught up with him. When he turned to face her again he saw uncertainty in her eyes for the first time. "Don't go. I want you to be a part of my crew. You and Garrus are the only ones I can trust. Please, Kaidan, it'll be just like old times..."

He gave her a hard stare. A part of him wanted to join her, to trust what she told him. But another part of him was too angry, too hurt that she had let him believe that she had died, let him grieve for her for two years. "No", he said, his voice cold. "It will never be the same again. And I will never work for Cerberus." He had started to walk again, creating a distance between himself and her. "Goodbye, Shepard."

Looking back at it now, Kaidan knew he had lost his self control. The way he had talked to her, the things he had said. He hadn't cared who heard him. Had, in fact, hardly been aware of anyone else but Shepard. He remembered Garrus trying to interrupt him, to make him listen to what Shepard said but he was too far gone. He couldn't trust her, couldn't believe that it actually was Shepard, his Shepard, that was standing in front him. He'd had too many vivid dreams of her returning to him. Of how he would simply walk through a door, or turn around a corner, and there she would be, eyes twinkling, her lips quivering in a smile she couldn't really restrain.

The memories flooded him, made him want to curl into a ball. Pressing a hand to his aching heart, Kaidan closed his eyes and let them take him away from the now, back to that night before they landed on Ilos. The night when they had finally given in to each other...

Milky white skin, like silk under his hands... Soft hair perfumed by the floral-scented shampoo she used, tickling his nose as she leaned her head against his chest for a moment, as he wrapped his arms around her slender waist, splaying his fingers against the small of her back, pressing her even closer. Her full breast pressed against his naked chest... Her pliant lips parting as he took her mouth, kissing her deeply... The taste of her...

The memory of that one night they had spent together, that perfect night, had assaulted him and tormented him almost as much as the nightmares. How many nights had he woken up with his very soul aching for her, with the memory of her scent, of her touch, burning in his body?

Slowly, as the months had passed, the pain had turned into a sort of numbness. A numbness their encounter on Horizon had shattered. The weeks after he had been a mess. He had sent an e-mail to Shepard, apologising for his harsh words and asking her to be careful and watch out for herself. She hadn't sent a reply. In retrospect he could understand why. She had been preparing to go through the Omega 4 Relay and was busy assembling a team and upgrading the Normandy SR2. But at the time it had hurt.

Then he had been assigned by Andersen to create and train a biotic special forces squad and when he got the news that Shepard had somehow, against all odds, returned from her suicide mission. He had been deeply relieved to know that she had survived, but he had been too wrapped up in his own mission to contact her.

He hadn't seen her again until that fateful moment right before the Reapers attacked. Their mission on Mars was the first time they worked together in over two years. Even though he still wasn't sure what to make of her association with Cerberus it had felt good being close to her again. Not that he had had much time to think about it. The Reapers attack on earth overshadowed everything.

A few days after Thane Krios' visit, he had sent Shepard an e-mail, asking her to come and visit him in the hospital. He didn't know what to say to her, all he knew was that he wanted to see her again. They had talked and joked and even flirted a little. It had been almost like in the old days. But the question about her and Garrus lay there like a shadow.

Something in his demeanour gave him away, and in the end Shepard asked him what the real reason for him asking her to come was.

He had raised himself up on his elbow so he could look at her at eye-level. "You and Garrus... Was there ever... anything... between you?"

Shepard had leaned back in the chair a little, her eyes guarded all of a sudden. "That's none of your business."

"After what we've been through don't you think I have a right to know if you're seeing someone else?" Kaidan could feel himself tense.

"After Horizon I didn't think you cared", she retorted icily. "You completely shut me down, Kaidan."

"Yeah... I'm sorry about that..." He pressed a hand to his temple. The headache he had had since he woke up at the hospital was bad and almost every muscle in his body hurt and smarted. He didn't want to fight with her. He just wanted to make everything al right again. "I'm not blaming you for turning to Garrus. I just wish we could move on. Forget the harsh words and be friends at least..."

Shepard relaxed somewhat from her rigid posture. "I'd like that." Her eyes lost that guarded expression as she met his gaze. Kaidan felt his heart skip a beat, as always taken aback by her beauty. She possessed such strength but there was something delicate about her features as well.

He extended his hand to her. "Friends?"

Shepard smiled. "Yeah", she said, taking it, and he had to suppress a shudder when her fingers wrapped around his. "Friends."

But the friendship was strained and filled with uncomfortable silences. Still Kaidan was grateful that Shepard choose him to accompany her on the missions. But it hurt like hell to see her and Garrus together, the way they so casually touched, the easy banter and light-hearted insults they tossed at each other. To know that he had once been a part of it. That now he wasn't. That he couldn't.

Though they took care of keeping their relationship private, Shepard and Garrus couldn't hide their feelings. The quick glances they gave each other. Heated, filled with hunger. Desire charged the air around them and he couldn't help but to be effected.

He pressed his forehead to the cold glass, breathing in its almost mineral smell. Why did he continue to torment himself like this? The memories of her, of them together, were like ghosts, haunting him. It was time to let them go. To let them rest.

Kaidan stared out into the black void outside the observation window. He took a slow breath.

Inhaled... Held it... Exhailed...

It was as if its icy cold had crept into his heart and frozen it solid. He felt as if his soul was replaced by the emptiness of space.

And he welcomed the feeling.

The end.


End file.
